Confessions of a Pastor's Wife

My weekend in "France"

2010-01-19T14:12:00.000-08:00

Last weekend I had the incredible opportunity to house sit for some friends who didn't really need a house sitter. The stipulations for house sitting were that I come without children, that I eat their food and that I don't do any housework. I was asked to NOT make the bed. I showed up on Friday night and found a huge welcome basket waiting for me filled with yummy food and wine. I stayed up late on the first night and watched movies. Because I am a busy mom of three boys and a pastor's wife and I actually need sleep (which some mom's don't seem to need) I don't watch many movies. So pretty much any movie out there I have not seen. I watched three movies and then slept in until 7 the next morning.

Unless you are in the middle of raising kids and unless you have kids like mine who do not have volume control nor do they appreciate sleep that much, you will not fully know the value of waking up to a quiet house. I did sort of miss my family Friday night as I watched movies and I sort of missed my family when I climbed into my friend's guest bed for the night. But the confession is that I really didn't miss them at all when I woke up the next morning to a quiet house. I was able to spend some time praying beyond just the usual "Lord, help me get through today" or "Lord, give me patience to not lock my kids in their rooms" or "Lord, please give me one more year before Ben figures out how to use matches..." It was so wonderful to spend that time with the Lord and with my really strong, bad coffee (I cannot make coffee but Ryan is a barista as well as pastor so why do I need to learn?).

I had enjoyed some good bread, salami and bruschetta the night before for dinner and then on Saturday morning I headed to a crepe shop to meet up with some girlfriends for a late breakfast. After a lovely time with them ("Lovely" seems like the appropriate word after time with girlfriends eating crepes, doesn't it?), I headed to an outdoor mall to window shop.

When I was all window-shopped out I went home for a quick snack and changed for a date night with Ryan. He actually came to pick me up from the house I was staying at, and then at the end of the evening he dropped me back off there, "just as if we were back in college!" as Ryan put it. We went down to San Clemente to a little shop that specializes in flavored olive oils and balsamic vinegars - called Oliver's. We tried every one, and had them combine oils and vinegars for us, and then we were so confused that we left empty handed because they all tasted good. At least we live close. :) After Oliver's we went down to the pier to watch one of the prettier sunsets I have witnessed in a while and then to the Vine restaurant that has a decidedly French menu.

After Ryan bid me au revoir (that's french for goodbye, of course) for the evening I watched two more movies, the final movie being "Julie and Julia." I liked the movie but didn't love it. But I had just finished Julia Child's autobiography "My Life In France" which I loved and it is rare to find a movie that I like as much as the books on which they are based. I finished the movie and of course wanted to cook something but since it was midnight (about three hours past my bedtime) I hit the hay.

The next morning I looked through my friends cookbook by Julia Child - Mastering the Art of French Cooking - which of course I need to have that cookbook now. I packed up my things and made sure that the made up guest bed was just rumpled enough that my friend couldn't accuse me of making the bed, and then headed straight for our local farmer's market. I picked up two pounds of mushrooms to saute, some salad greens, some fresh fruit and a huge potted purple heather plant. After such a "french" infused weekend away I couldn't help myself and felt very urban and cool with my reusable bags, fresh produce and huge purple flowers under my arm. Not a soul noticed but I definitely had a spring in my step as I left the market.

I headed home feeling refreshed and happy. Every mom should be so lucky as to take a weekend away. And an introvert like myself needs more than a "girls retreat" - I really need time alone. It was a blessed time of eating, shopping, mindless movie watching, time with friends and hubby, praying, reading and sleeping. Ahhh.

I walked through the door of my house at 9:30 am on Sunday morning. The older the boys were playing a video game rated for teenagers which I had told them not to play. Laundry was tossed about the living room floor. Dishes were on the counter and in the sink. Two year old Ben was eating marshmallows, and Ryan was on his computer. He looked up and said "oh...I thought you wouldn't be back so soon!" Fortunately for them, I only gave them each a kiss and hug and headed to the kitchen to get some good coffee.

Productivity

2010-01-03T20:29:00.000-08:00

People who say that having children means the end of all productivity do not know my children. Let me just use last Wednesday as an example of what I mean. Last Wednesday by 6:45 am, while I poured myself a cup of coffee, Isaac had painted a picture of a Japanese woman in front of her authentic Japanese home in acrylics. Ian had played two games of bowling and had gotten past two new levels of Indiana Jones on our Wii. While I attempted to put some clothes in the dryer, Ben climbed up on the counter and took out every vitamin, cough drop and chocolate chip from the cupboard. He also took all the candy canes off the tree and ate two, while stashing the others in some secret spot I have yet to discover - I only know it exists because he keeps showing up with candy cane sticky face at random times throughout the day. By 8 o'clock a.m. in the time it took me to use the restroom and splash my face with water, the older boys had made a pillow fort, thrown about 1000 verbal insults at one another, pushed, shoved, stuck stinky feet in each other's faces and had broken the sound barrier while telling me through the bathroom door the injustice of having brothers. Ben in that time had quietly gone outside in his feetie pajamas and had watered all the plants with his squirt bottle, getting his feet-ie pajama - clad feet all wet and muddy and had also found the time to pull some stuffing out of an old pillow in the garage and rummage through some bags to find an old piece of Easter candy from last year.

I could go on. But I am exhausted just recounting the day to you. Let me just sum up. I believe by the end of the day I had (I think I remember this correctly) gotten dressed and eaten at least one meal although most likely standing up - unless Ben was on my lap eating it off my plate before I could get a bite. The boys had continued on pace. Isaac invented a couple things, searched for gold with his metal detector, created a new Indian tribe complete with it's own language, made a tornado - sized wreck of his room, lost his shoes at least 10 times, and managed to get more food on the floor than in his mouth for all three meals, putting his 2 year old brother to shame. Ian found a way to push every single one of Isaac's buttons, played more video games than I care to write in case this would incriminate me as a bad mother (although this blog is called "confessions,,," after all and it IS Christmas break). He rode his bike and went back and forth to the neighbor boy's house every five minutes for about 5 hours and managed to suck a little bit more of my sanity while he worked his weird reverse-psychology meets manipulation- meets overly emotional and overly sensitive middle child- magic on me. Benjamin jumped on the bed where I had neatly folded and sorted the laundry just moments before, helped me wash the windows by spraying an entire bottle of windex on the kitchen french doors, spilled his hot chocolate all over the livingroom carpet, organized the cupboards next to the refrigerator where I keep anything even sort-of resembling a sweet, and had made paper airplanes out of our pile of bills on the computer table.

Like I said, our family should be proud. Three young boys in the house could mean that not a thing gets done all day long. Thankfully that is not the case around here. We are one highly productive crew.

Princess

2009-11-15T14:21:00.000-08:00

Last weekend our dog was hit by a car in front of Ryan and our three boys. He didn't make it. I thought I would share some of my memories of him while they are still fresh in my mind.

Miki had many nicknames. Licki - because he liked to lick Ryan's feet (eww). Frog - I guess because it rhymes with dog? I called him Princess - because he liked to sleep in late, he preferred his head on our softest pillows, and he always called shotgun in our car. Miki dog. Mikers. Mik.

Miki didn't wag his tail, he wagged his entire butt. And it would hit the wall and it was LOUD. One thing could set him off and make him happy or excited and the whole house would rumble with that THUMP THUMP of Miki's wagging butt.

Princess didnt get up in the mornings when I would get up and so I would step over him every morning while I made the bed.

We would let Miki in at dinner time so he could sit under the table during our "family time." He preferred to sit nearest to our 2 year old who he thought dropped the most food - in reality our 9 year old is our messiest.

My two year old would chase Miki with a water spray bottle, would dump dirt into his water dish, would put leaves on his head, would lock him in the garden, would sit on his face and would try to come up with at least one new way to torment him every day. And Miki tolerated it and I think liked it. My two year old would also sneak him extra food and dog bones when they thought no one was looking.

Miki dog was a big scaredy cat who ran from Ryan's guitar, the garbage can, backyard lizards and small dogs and cats he would meet on the street. And don't even mention fireworks, or nerf guns or the two year old. He was scared of water and would "tip toe" across a stream on tiny little rocks the size of his paws rather than walk in two inch deep water to cross.

Miki LOVED to run in open fields when we let him. He would bound higher that it seemed possible. He could also rock climb better than any mountain lion I have ever seen and jump over any obstacle.

Miki didn't bark or jump. However he did pee on our neighbors stairs (in his house) once and peed on a woman's back at the park once. So before you think he was a good, smart dog - just so you know..

Miki could run 3 1/2 milees around the lake with me and then I would have to drag him home. That was annoying.

Miki was also smelly and hairy (as all dogs are). I am not a dog lover but I am outnumbered 4-1 in our family. Ryan and the boys lost a loved one last week and we all lost a part (albeit annoying part) of our family. If dogs go to heaven then I am sure Princess is peeing on the pearly gates and playing fetch with some of the saints. I don't know if there are many walls in heaven but if there are, then the angels are probably waking each morning to the THUMP THUMP of Miki's butt. We'll miss you Miki.

Real Women

2009-04-19T20:14:00.001-07:00

I read a pretty standard women's magazine today. I was a tomboy growing up in a house full of girls and was never really into all that "girly stuff" like hair, clothes or makeup. But somehow along this life's journey I found myself in a house with three sons, a husband (who is male) and a dog (also male). And with this development I have gotten far more deeply in touch with my feminine side. One of the ways that I enjoy being "girly" is to look through women's magazines. I love to read up on the latest seasonal fashions, the hot new makeup colors, the best new diets and much to Ryans chagrin, celebrity gossip. Today I was sucked in to a magazine by the cover story entitled something like "a new and thinner you by summer!" I read every word and even took notes.

Now I am sure that for some women (maybe even many?) these magazines actually feel grounded in reality and hold practical truths for everyday life. I am not one of these women though. The following are just a few examples of how my attempts to take advice have worked out (or not):

Natural looking, beach waves with minimal effort! I have wavy hair which is supposedly perfect for this look. All I have to do is put in some product, blow dry and scrunch, then put in more product to get rid of the frizz, then use a curling iron to fix all the spots where my hair stands straight up on top of my head (naturally) or curls up in sort-of a Carol Brady way. Then I have to wait half the day for my puffy hair to go a little limp and voila! Naturally wavy and beautiful hair. The few times I have tried this I ended up dunking my head under the sink in frustration and blow drying my hair straight and calling it a day.

Heels are in! Peep toes, pumps, strappy heals and in particular bold colored heels worn with pencil skirts and expensive jeans! My problem is that I do read the fashion magazines and everyone always looks so pulled together and stylish and I actually start to think I could pull off a pair of pumps for kindergarten pick up, carpool with the third graders, walking the dog and chasing the one (almost two) year old around our muddy back yard. I even saw a great Banana Republic ad once last year of a woman in a silk dress and heels pushing her adorable little boy on the swings at the park. It seemed so natural, so right. What the photo forgot to show us is how the cute little boy then rubbed a sticky sucker all over the front of her silk dress which stained it forever (yeah this has happened to me) and then her heels got caught in the sand under the swingset causing her to trip and tear a muscle making her have to limp after her kids and dog for the next two weeks.

Favorite Family Recipes that EVERYONE will love!! I would love to find a recipe that is healthy and popular with all three of my boys. One who only likes things like seafood and Indian curry, the other who prefers pizza and chicken nuggets, and the other who will only eat it if there is sugar added. There is rarely a night in our house where I don't have to hear from one out of the four eaters in my house - "gross!!! this is disgusting!"

My last and most current "article disconnect" as I just decided to call it was the thin by summer article. It said really encouraging, optimistic things like, "just do exercise and the fat will melt off your body!" You will have endless energy and be on the beach in a bikini by June! At my age and after three children and with my unfortunate genes, I have been at the gym almost every day this year with minimal results. In fact I have only gained weight since joining the gym this year. The muffin top is still there and the skin that has been stretched beyond repair will never be gone save for winning a free trip to the plastic surgeon. I have never in my life seen fat melting off my body although things have started to sag which might be the closest thing.

Bottom line is, I wonder why there isn't a magazine out there on the stands selling tons of copies with articles that relate better to me and those like me? Articles that are more along the lines of "Best deals on earlobe surgery for mom's whose kids have pulled earrings out of their ears." And " Best exercises to do that will keep you from getting any worse (but no guarantees)" and "best new clothes that let you sit criss cross apple sauce on wet grass" or even "why all the organization in the world will never keep your house clean." My mom today gave her own examples from a working empty nester in her 50s. Something about "lucky you now you get hot flashes and there is nothing you can really do about it!" And " now that you need glasses for both far and near you find yourself picking up the wrong merchandise at the store and reading the price tags wrong and being too embarrassed to tell the cashier so you spend way too much for stuff." Those titles are so catchy, aren't they?

I will continue to read good ol women's magazines. They are entertaining and they continue to convince me, even if only for a short moment, that the tips inside them can be useful to me. I am seriously considering starting my own magazine though - so be on the lookout on stands near you!

He is Alive and Well

2009-04-11T21:35:00.000-07:00

Some could say that this year could feel like a bit of a letdown after last year. Last year at Christmas we were singing carols in Shepherds Field overlooking the town where Jesus was actually born. This year was our first Christmas ever spent with no extended family around. We each had a couple gifts under the tree and we shared a dinner with another family who had no one to spend the day with.

Last year on Palm Sunday, my sons and I carried palm branches and walked from the top of the Mt. of Olives down into the Old City of Jerusalem with thousands of other jubilant believers crying out and singing "Hosanna!!" We remembered the time when 2000 years ago Jesus entered the city by that same route and received a king's welcome. This year we celebrated "palm Friday" (our church meets on Friday nights) attending a wedding rehearsal and then in a small upstairs room with a handful of other believers -

Last year on Good Friday I went to the Old City and watched as a Middle Eastern Man carried a cross through the city to reenact Christ's own journey to Golgotha. On the way home I passed the Holy Sepulchre, the church on the site of what people believe to be Christ's tomb. I watched as pilgrims wept over the place where He died for them. This year on Good Friday we shared a potluck meal with other believers and worshipped and took communion together.

Last year on Easter Sunday we woke to a sunny Jerusalem morning and went to the Garden Tomb where we celebrated Christ's resurrection with singing along with people of many other languages and cultures. We finished the day with a barbeque with friends in a park overlooking the old city. We watched the sun set over Jerusalem and we watched the sun set on the day of all days - Tomorrow on Easter morning our boys will do a scavenger hunt for their Easter baskets. We will meet together with friends and worship, baptize some and share some good coffee and pastries. Then we will head out to the "country" to share a meal and to celebrate with some of our closest friends.

The experience of last year far exceeded my expectations and to spend Christian holidays in the place where they all began was incredible and life changing. But where does that leave the rest of believers? And where does that leave me now that I am just a normal American citizen celebrating the holidays in somewhat "normal" ways? Tonight it hit me, while I was stuffing little plastic eggs and chocolate bunnies into my boys (and Ryans) Easter baskets. I realized that while last year made a huge impact on me and I highly recommend to people that they travel to the Holy Land if possible, God was ever present with me before I went there. And he is with me now. All I really need to do is take just a single moment to reflect and just that moment is enough to make my heart swell. That the God of the Universe would come down to earth, live and then die in my place to save me and to show his great love for me - now that is over the top. That is true whether I am sitting in the town where he lived and died or if I am sitting in my living room in suburban America.

I am grateful for that. I am grateful to our great God who by His smallest gesture of love to His most outrageous creations makes life never boring and never without promise. Tomorrow I will celebrate with other believers and remember that God Almighty did write out a story with many twists and turns and one great cliff-hanger that ended in Jesus gaining victory over death and once again reigning over all things. Whether comes joy or sorrow, excitement or the mundane, God is alive and well and in each of our life's story.

Happy Easter and may you find great joy in knowing that Jesus is Alive!

Pastor's Wife Gone Wild

2009-03-08T20:43:00.000-07:00

Okay don't jump to conclusions or anything. Title's are supposed to draw you in right?

This past year Ryan and I along with a small group of believers in Orange County began a church called Soma. The name means "body" in Greek and represents the idea that we as followers of Jesus are His Body. We are supposed to be the manifestation of Jesus on this earth so that while he is not physically present as he was 2000 years ago, his hands are still feeding the hungry, his arms are still embracing the hurting, his feet are still going out to where the lost are congregating, his mouth is still proclaiming the Good News that God loves us.

We at Soma truly believe this to be our role as followers and strive to be "missional" in how we live our lives. Rather than drawing people to us, we are out among the people sharing life with them and the love that Christ offers. This is really a big emphasis with us.

The only problem I have found with this way of thinking and this way of following Jesus, is that it actually does take you out of the comfortable confines of church and into the (ahem!) world. And I don't mean I am in the world but not of the world. I don't mean that I share Christ with people but can't relate to them at all because they aren't a part of my church community. I mean, that after 17 years of following God, and 17 years of becoming more and more versed in the language and mannerisms and social functions of the "church" I am now attempting to undo alot of that. I am spending time with a group of people who I haven't spent much time with since my early days as a believer. People who don't go to church and who really don't care that I am a pastor's wife (even though I still introduce myself that way!) and who don't even really know what that means anyway. I am reprogramming my brain to stop thinking that "good christians" spend all their time with other christians and "bad or backslid" Christians spend their time with non-believers in Christ.

And that is hard to do. I am spending time with people who have been hurt by church, who come from overly religious backgrounds, or those of other faiths and cultures. I am spending time with people who casually think of Jesus but don't know what it means to have a relationship with God and who don't feel the need to. The other day at the gym someone walked up and said "Sara, right?" I said yes and then she walked away to another room. I wracked my brain trying to figure out how I knew this woman and finally figured she must have been a sunday school teacher at our former church. I ran into her a few minutes later and asked how I knew her and she told me our kids were at the same school. It just hit me that I still define myself by church both former and present so much so that it doesn't even occur to me that I would know someone in any other context. It convicted me but God also brought to light all the people who he has placed in my life this year.

I am reminded once again that God first loved and then he sent his son to save. I am reminded that Jesus got in trouble for hanging out with "sinners." And Jesus is mentioned in more than one party in the New Testament. This year I have been both challenged in this and blessed by this fact that there are people out there worth knowing and worth loving even if they are not in my church community. It may find me playing a round of "rock band" with a group of non-religious neighbors rather than at a women's luncheon (although I still love those too!). It may find me listening to the stories of people who don't believe there is a God and actually attempting to understand where they are coming from. It may find me reading books that might not fit into my theological comfort zones. Has the pastor's wife gone wild?

Perhaps. But I do believe that missional living, while it takes me deeper into the world, it also requires a deeper discipleship than I have ever felt called to. I am being stretched this year immensely and I feeling very out of my comfort zone. My hope and prayer is to be the hands and feet of Jesus in the world, to be along with other followers His "soma," His body. For those of you who followed along despite the "church lingo" I used in this blog, thanks. And thanks to God who "so loved the world."

Aspirations of a "Recessionista"

2009-01-25T13:35:00.000-08:00

The other day I was talking with my mom and she told me there is a new word floating around. The word is "recessionista." Which obviously, means a woman who takes on these times of financial trial with grace and style. I figure I will never be a fashionista, and using that same definition as my logic, I will never be an exercise-ista, a mom-ista or an art-ista (wait is that already almost a word?). Well anyways, there are plenty of things I just don't think I will ever do with style, and certainly not with grace. So when my mom mentioned the word recessionista to me I was instantly intrigued. I think maybe I can do that! When Ryan and I first got married, we had a very tight budget. He worked two jobs and I worked one. We had moved to California from the more affordable Washington State and really had to work hard to get the bills paid. We never struggled, which I would consider being in a place where we couldn't pay the bills (and to date we have never struggled in that respect). But we did have to be creative with our money and content with very little. Examples of my humble beginnings, setting the foundation for the recessionista I hope to one day fully become, would be: 1. cheap dates like going for walks, or pretending we had a million dollars and then pretending to spend it. 2. Getting a small cash allowance to spend on whatever I chose and 3. using Quicken to keep track of every dollar spent. Over the years things got better for us financially and we stopped worrying so much about how much we spent. At one point when things were going well we considered upgrading to a larger house but we decided against it. This decision ultimately allowed us to go to Israel last year and travel the world thanks to a good amount of home equity from our home which was very affordable for us. In Israel I continued on my journey. I learned to 1. walk instead of drive 2. buy local produce and plan my menus around the good deals rather than plan a menu and then purchase my food. 3. air dry my clothes 4. say no to my kids sometimes 5. make my own bread and soup 6. avoid the mall.

And then of course that brings me to this year, where Ryan is working three jobs (which I am grateful to God he has them all!) and we are still feeling the crunch. I am so happy to be in this country and so happy to have a roof over our heads that it matters little to me that we have to give up some extras. I am hoping that counts for the "grace" part of the above definition. Now for the style - I am working on that. But here are some habits I have added just this year. 1. I go to the dollar store - we have an amazing dollar store near our house that has organic produce, yogurt, canned tomatoes and even rose bushes sometimes. I also get toothpaste and tortillas there and wonder why I ever bought those things at the regular grocery store. 2. I go to the goodwill - I figure this is being hip like Jack Johnson and reusing, reducing and recycling. I bought a brand new stock pot there last month to make homemade chicken stock in for a few dollars. I also spent my five dollar allowance on a $168 dress with the tags still on it - not too bad. 3. I barter with my friends. I will cook you a meal if you provide babysitting for my kids, sew me some pillows, or cut my hair (apparently all I really know how to do is cook a meal).

Some good ol rules though that I think any respectable and aspiring recessionista should follow are: 1. get all books and DVD's from the local library or from your friend's houses (but ask first). 2. Borrow whenever possible 3. Realize the huge difference between what we need and what we want. 4. Remember how fun riding your bike can be with your kids or how adventurous it feels to hike with them (without spending a dime!). 5. realize that popcorn on the stove is so much better than microwavable. 6. tythe if you go to church 7. no matter how little you can set aside, even if it is a dollar a month, make sure you have some fun money! One dollar can buy a piece of Sees candy, a Tuesday night at the dollar theatre, a McDonald's ice cream sundae or a cucumber to slice and put over tired eyes (convincing someone to take your children and make the house quiet could cost you a little more unless you barter).

So there you have it - a little glimpse into my life and my newfound purpose. Let me know if you, too are an aspiring recessionista and please do tell your secrets!

Confession: Sometimes PW's don't want to go to church

2009-01-09T20:59:00.000-08:00

Tonight we had church and I just didn't feel like going. I really would have rather been at a spa on some far away warm island getting pampered with a massage and a glass of lemon water.

Let me explain how the last two days have gone in our house. First of all, our one year old has learned how to remove his diaper whenever he feels like it, and he really does prefer to be naked. Yesterday, he removed his diaper and peed all over the living room floor before I could get to him. I also this week found that baby Ben likes to hide food in the sofa cushions and in particular he likes to store bits of mashed banana and crushed cookies in there. Then the other night one of my sons, who is a complete germophobe wet the bed at 2 in the morning (this is rare) and required me to remove all the sheets and covers and replace them with clean. He even made me disinfect his bed posts in case germs travelled through the air from his wet sheets onto the bed post. This morning, I showered and grabbed a towel to wrap my hair in, and decided that the towel had an unmistakable urine smell to it. I have no idea why a towel would smell like urine, but given the last 24 hours and the fact that I have three boys makes me believe anything is possible. I pulled the "pee towel" off my head and switched to one that smelled a bit more like fabric softener. Today the baby decided not to take a nap and was as a result very tired and cranky. Or maybe hysterical is a better word for him. Then 10 minutes before it was time to leave for church, while I was brushing my teeth (I feel I should have that right, dont I?) baby Ben took off his diaper again. Only this time, he had pooped in that diaper. He then sat (he likes sitting) on a pile of laundry, a stuffed chair and on the carpet of my oldest sons room.

I ended up getting a babysitter for the baby and he got to stay home and (I later heard) was out cold in bed by the time the opening prayer was given at church. Somehow I made it out the door with the other two fed and clothed and alive despite constant bickering and a tendency to get into fist fights. I made it to church and I even enjoyed it. I believe God was present and I was challenged by the message Ryan gave. But if we at Soma Church believe that God is in everything we do and we should not separate the sacred from the mundane in our lives....well.. my thought is that He would also be with me on an island...in a spa...with the scent of lavender and the sound of soothing spa music lulling me to sleep.

Whose side are you on?

2009-01-08T12:46:00.001-08:00

My friend in Jerusalem recently sent me a link to a site in Israel that is basically an open forum for people to write their thoughts. This particular stream of letters consisted of hundreds of passionate commentary on the events unfolding in Gaza. Everyone wants to be heard and everyone wants to be right. However, the more you know of the story the more it seems that no one is right in this situation. Gaza is controlled by terrorists and therefore Israel has closed its borders to ensure that terrorists or their weapons do not get in or out of the city. Israelis defend their right to retaliate against the rockets sent into their towns from the terrorist group, Hamas and they believe this is the only way to finally take care of the situation. Palestinians believe that they do not have power and do not have freedom to come and go as they please. They believe that Israel has made it impossible for them to establish their own state and government and they believe they are oppressed and harassed by the government. Israel has promised land to the Palestinians and yet continues to build settlements in the West Bank and therefore uproot the indigenous Palestinian people and create refugees of them. Certain Palestinians have taken to terrorist acts to retaliate against harsh treatment and oppression, "wounding" the government and the Jewish State by killing, injuring and frightening innocent people. Our friend says that "terror is the weapon of the weak." However, many Palestinians see what is happening in Gaza as terror- except that there is power and government behind it. Other than that, there are hundreds of innocent people being wounded and killed in the name of self preservation and defense. I believe that there is a political solution to the problems in Israel but it would take a large amount of compromise from both sides. I wish I could choose a side and say that one is justified in its actions or that one is more peace loving but I cannot. Last year I carried a heavy burden on my shoulders while living in the Middle East. It was not the burden of the language barrier, the large presence of weapons, the cruel treatment from others or even the possibility of being victim to a terrorist attack. The burden I bore was the tension, the hatred, the eye-for-eye, tooth for tooth mentality that people hold in that part of the world.

The commentaries I read through last night were all written by Christians. People who share a faith in Jesus Christ and believe that his death and his love and forgiveness has saved them and given them new life. Some of those believers we call "messianic Jews." They are Jewish by culture and while their brothers in the Jewish faith are still awaiting the messiah, they believe He has come in the person of Jesus. The other believers who have written are Palestinian believers of Jesus. Many of the Christians in Israel are in fact, Arab. And because Christianity actually outdates the Muslim faith, many of those families have believed for centuries. Neither the Messianic Jews or the Palestinian Christians are warmly welcomed in Israel. Many of the messianic believers that we met were very quiet about their faith, afraid to be shunned and even hated by their fellow Jews. Much of what I read was positive - human beings trying hard to reconcile what they believe about forgiveness and about protecting the innocent, with their cultural identity and upbringing. However, both "sides" are quick to send bitter accusations at the other with little desire to take personal responsibility for the situation in Israel and the Palestinian territories. Ultimately, innocent people are being victimized on both sides and an ideology of hate is being propagated on both sides. Thinking about this, and praying for this situation brought to mind a verse in the biblical book of Joshua before the fall of Jericho. A man with a sword appears to Joshua and Joshua asks "are you for us or for our enemies?" And the man replies "Neither, but as commander of the army of the Lord I have now come." It made me wonder what God must being thinking of all this. It seems to me that he must be so grieved by the pain and suffering happening and by the hatred that is stirred up. He must long to bring the hearts of His children into repentance and healing.

But of course I can't ever fully know the heart of God...As a follower of God here in the states I can only pray for my brothers and sisters around the world - on all sides. And personally I cling to the verse (although maybe out of context) in Micah that asks "What does the Lord require of thee? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God."

Throwing Stones

2009-01-01T15:28:00.000-08:00

I know that I continue to use our experience in Israel in my blogging, but the experience is still fresh in my mind. The emotions and pictures in my head of last year are still vivid and still provide a constant backdrop for life here in Orange County. One constant burden on me in Jerusalem was the Palestinian-Jewish conflict. Given the news these days, I am sure it is now a burden for many. Ryan talked about the "eye for eye, tooth for tooth" tribal mentality in the middle east that prevents peace from ever happening. It is heartbreaking to think that there is no real "hope" for people to truly live side by side in love as long as there is no forgiveness. Until one side lays down it's arms and says "I will pursue peace, even if it kills me" I personally don't see an end to the conflict. Of course life has given us examples of people who have done this - Martin Luther King for one. And as Ryan also pointed out, a Middle Eastern man named Jesus who did lay his life down in the name of grace and forgiveness.

My commentary though is not so much a result of the current Middle East unrest, as it is from an unrest in my own soul right now. When I came back to the states I vowed to learn from our experience and to realize that if someone throws a stone my way, I cannot throw it back or else a cycle will begin that does not follow the path of Jesus. Of course by even writing this blog I guess it could be perceived as a stone being thrown. My perspective is that I have been hit recently and sit wounded and questioning. I wrestle with what the right thing to do is and am sad to find that some consider our family even worth the effort to hurt us.

Since returning to California our family has run into several strange and painful situations that we have not understood. People from our past church who we considered family and who we cherished as brothers and sisters in the faith have stopped talking to us. I have personally run into people who have turned and walked away from me in the local mall. I was actually so stunned one particular time that I followed the person thinking they didn't recognize me, only to have them make it obvious that they didn't want to talk to me. We have had emails from people requesting that we do not contact them or pursue friendships with them. This past week a friend confessed she had heard in the rumor mill some very hurtful and untrue things about Ryan that helped me to understand a little bit the behavior we have encountered. I honestly don't know which emotion rings stronger in me...the sense of deep hurt and betrayal that someone would spread such blatant lies about us or the equal sense of hurt that people would take those lies as truth without ever checking our side of the story.

I feel hit on several sides by stones right now and of course I ponder my response. Our family has worked for many wonderful churches and pastors and consider them mentors and friends. We are welcomed back at those congregations with open arms. We believe that all believers are a part of the same mission to show the world the love of God and one of the best ways to do that is through the love and forgiveness that we extend to each other. I believe that many followers of God strive to do this and perhaps including even the people who have recently thrown stones our way. I can't think the worst of them that they realize what they are doing to injure so gravely a part of their family in Christ. So what do we do? I fantasize about locking everyone in our former church together along with our family until we can all come to a true reconciliation. I think it is best perhaps to say nothing, although by writing about this I have already rejected that option. I could throw a stone back but we all know where that will lead and truthfully I have no desire for that. I could take the moral high ground and say that we have been above reproach at all times but that is a very frightening stance to take - since the only people Christ ever seemed to have issue with were those who "claimed" the religious high ground. I could apologize for apparently doing things that, whether real or perceived, have led people to be cruel to us. I honestly don't know that to do. The only thing that I can take away from it all is to look into my own life and to make sure that I guard against listening and believing things about other people without talking with them personally about it. I need to ask God's forgiveness for the stones I have thrown and to admit I have indeed thrown them.

Being a pastor's wife comes with a high price some days and one of those things is that we are de-humanized by others. People forget that we are, in fact, human and that we bleed and hurt just like everyone else. We aren't perfect and you can't expect us to be. And when our husbands are under scrutiny and when they are slandered and hit, it might as well be us as well. If anyone reads this who has been hurt or angered by Ryan or me I welcome dialogue and the opportunity to weep and wrestle together until true reconciliation can come about. Here's to a new year and hope for peace.

Not entirely in...

2008-12-19T19:37:00.000-08:00

I have to admit that I have my ups and downs in re-entering life here in the USA. We weren't in Jerusalem that long, but in order to go, we had to make some drastic choices that aren't so easy to shake now that we are back home. In order to go to Israel, I had to say that following God is my first choice. I had to decide that I value my belongings little enough that I can live out of ten suitcases for 9 months. I had to decide that I can follow Christ and celebrate his life in mine without all the cultural trappings that living in a "Christian country" provides for me. I had to be okay walking in crowds of people who cared little about who I was and in some cases would rather I was not there.

Now that we have been home for awhile I find that I am able to live on very little. Now that I have my beloved Target always available to me, I don't feel the need to go as often as I used to. I don't feel a need to be perpetually busy or to keep my kids perpetually busy. For me to have good quality time with a few people who truly love me is what really matters. Somehow the Christmas season is nearly at it's end and today was the first day I was out shopping (with someone else's money I might add!). There has been a mad rush of people around me but I might as well be in Jerusalem again - watching people rush to prepare for Hannukah or Pesach, while I relax in my own little world, unaffected by the frenzy. Last year our family willingly became a group of "floaters" without any real tie to the activities around us, and in some ways that is how I feel still.

When I left this county I was in the cultural Christian mainstream, busy with lots of church activities. Christmas was a time of party after banquet after staff lunch after bible study breakfast. Lots of tables to decorate and gifts to purchase. I have returned to the area with a missionary mindset. I have had many meaningful conversations with neighbors and parents at my kids school, have spent a lot of time in prayer and in questioning God's purpose for me here. But the only Christmas event I have been a part of was 30 kids and parents crammed in our backyard decorating gingerbread houses. Don't get me wrong, I loved being a part of all the parties and rushing from thing to thing. But now that I have experienced another kind of Christmas, I wonder if I can ever do it the old way again. I will be interested to see how our family of "floaters" settles back in. Right now I still feel that I am on the outside looking in - I think that can be a good thing though and now that Christmas is near I know it is. Pulling out of the fray has given me opportunity to really think about the reason behind our celebrations. It was easy to do last year in Bethlehem, but God has made it possible again for us this year.

Chapter 1

2008-11-10T20:40:00.000-08:00

The other day I was talking to a friend about all the books that I read. I really do love a good book and have since I was a little girl. Much to my husbands dismay, I am a person who reads the last chapter of the book right about the same time I read the first chapter. Some might argue that this would take the suspense and the joy out of reading the book but I beg to differ. If I dont know the ending, I am usually concerned that something unexpected and horrible will happen to a character that I like. I worry that I will start to care for a particular character, or begin to relax and enjoy the book and then out of left field a conflict arises. If I know the ending of the story in advance, I am a much happier reader and can savor the story slowly, knowing where it will all wind up. As a psych major in college and a shameless analyzer I have spent plenty of time trying to figure out the deeper significance of my need to know the ending. But that is not what this blog is about.

One thing I have found in many books (though not all of course) is that by the last chapter, a lot has been resolved. If it is an autobiography, typically that means that the person is famous or successful enough to warrant an autobiography. So no matter how awful their lives are at the first chapter or in the middle of the book, by the end they are successful and famous. The same goes for books about new church "movements" or radical christian living. No matter how ridiculous the endeavor, or radical the calling of God, by the end it is clear that this "worked" and the church, or the movement succeeded. I rarely read a non-fiction book by someone who is still in the middle of the conflict. I can read along and go with them through the rough patches and no matter what is going on I think "well this is Brother Andrew" or "this is Mother Theresa" or "wow Billy Graham sure struggled!"

I guess my point is this. This blog is not my autobiography exactly, but it is the candid expression of my thoughts on life and God's calling on me. God is still working on the book of my life and although some chapters make a lot of sense and finish with a nice conclusion, others leave me scratching my head and wondering how things will end up. Right now in particular, Ryan and I feel called to do "missional church" which is much less institutional church and much more missionary living in our community. We truly feel God has called us to attempt to follow Him with the same passion that we did when we were college kids and young believers. Only this time we have three kids, a dog and a mortgage. We feel a stirring in our hearts to seek Christ first and to actually let Him take care of the rest. It sounds a bit "hippie" and strange (even to me) but often we give the idea of seeking God above all else lip service in church but we don't actually do it.

The result of this calling is that Ryan is now currently working three jobs and we are trying to walk with other believers in the difficult ways of Jesus. We are doing this in Orange County, California where on first impression it looks like a lot of beautiful people who are busy and want church to fill their needs but don't actually have any needs. Of course I know this is not true but this is the sense that I get some days and especially on days I feel that God is calling us to do the impossible as well as the unpopular and unappealing. I cannot read the final chapter of this story and I cannot tell it to you. I cannot tell you that although it started off impossible, God worked in amazing ways and now there are groups of "missional" believers in every corner of California and the world. I cannot tell you that every day "many are being added to our number." So we will see. In the following weeks I will write my thoughts and even go back to the past to look at how we got here in the first place. For now I am a pastor's wife and will write on what that has been like the past 12 years to now and perhaps this blog can serve as a reminder that a pastor's wife is human and wrestles with life along with the best (or worst) of them. Of course for all I know one day I will cease to be a "pastor's wife" but for now that is what I am. Hopefully this blog can be an encouragement to others on similar journeys and who haven't figured out why God is calling them to do what they are doing.

I don't particularly enjoy life at Chapter 1 when I don't know how things end up. I am learning though to trust that the Author of all things has His conclusion in mind. It is His job to write, and mine to flow where His pen takes me!